Professor Esposito
Capstone I
26 Mar 2007
The Modern Human Condition: Affect
There is no question that relationships have changed drastically in the 20th and 21st centuries. However, the question begs asking, have the changes in modern day relationships benefited society? While there is no definitive answer to such a question, the differences in approach and opinion on this subject between the secular and Orthodox Jewish worlds are marked and striking in their divergence.
Indeed, the main message of the articles is crystal clear: the world has changed, is changing, and people relate to each other differently. Yet, while the secular world struggles to understand, adapt, and conceptualize the far-reaching consequences of these changes, the Orthodox Jewish community labors to reassert and apply the Torah’s (Bible’s) precepts to the modern era. Where one set of articles explores the depths of change and damage wrought upon society, the other set addresses many issues, isolates them, and attempts to heal the wounds.
Generally speaking, the articles deal with three fundamental interactions and relationships commonly found within society. The first being the fundamental “I” of individuality, with a strong emphases on the changing role of women within society and relationships. The second interaction is that of husbands and wives where the stability, or lack thereof, of the relationship is viewed in terms of the modern marriage. Lastly, the parent child relationship is reevaluated in light of the changing circumstances and societal norms.
In the advent of the “liberated” woman society has changed dramatically from simple things, such as more women in the work force, to dramatic changes, such as women holding positions of power within congress. However, June Jordan evaluates the change of woman within society in her piece I Am Seeking An Attitude, and unfortunately, she finds women on the whole still wanting. “I am a woman. And I am seeking an attitude. I am trying to find reasons for pride.” (155)
Moreover, the “liberated” woman has changed the basic family structure of society as most women are no longer content as housewives, or they are forced to work for financial reasons. Whatever the cause, fewer and fewer wives are home to raise children and take care of the family, and this can put strain on the entire family unit. Rabbi Abraham Twerski, M.D. addresses this issue, as well as others in his book The First Year of Marriage. In contrast with
It is interesting and important to note that Judaism views a mother and homemaker in a very high esteem, as King “Solomon says, ‘Her children arise to praise her; her husband, and he lauds her.’” (108-9) In shocking contrast, the majority of the secular world, as illustrated by Jordan, believes that if a woman is a wife and mother, she only has value in connection to her husband and children, or to society in her reproductive capacity. As expressed in her own words, “How low can we go? Pretty (expletive) lowdown when I must present the issues of my freedom and my rights primarily in the context of my ongoing usefulness to somebody else!” (155)
Keeping this astounding, fundamental difference in mind, one can approach the topic of marriage. Indeed, the story Feathers by Raymond Carver is a cheerless tale about a typical American marriage. Jack and Fran seem to be a happily married couple without children, yet one gets the distinct impression that their marriage is superficial and self-centered. “The reason we didn’t have kids was that we didn’t want kids… But right then we were waiting… Some nights we went to a movie...” (166)
This emptiness is magnified in comparison to Bud and Olla’s marriage, who, aside from having a strong loving relationship, have a baby. While at first, both Jack and Fran are repulsed by Bud and Olla’s lifestyle, the dinner proves to be a catalyst for Fran wanting a baby of her own. Interestingly, Jack disagrees with Fran. “But she’s wrong. The change came later – and when it came, it was like something that happened to other people…” (176) In the end, the baby that Jack and Fran have does not cure the emptiness of their marriage, but rather exacerbates the problem. “…My kid has a conniving streak in him. But I don’t talk about it. Not even with his mother. Especially her. She and I talk less and less as it is. Mostly it’s just the TV.” (176)
Unfortunately, the problems found in Jack and Fran’s marriage are common in the modern world. Many marriages suffer from a lack of love and understanding between the husband and wife, and these problems, which are rampant in American culture, have infiltrated the Orthodox Jewish community. Luckily there is a wealth of Torah knowledge that addresses the modern issues cropping up in marriage.
Again, Rabbi Twerski deals directly with such issues as true love, respect between the husband and wife, happiness, and even issues that arise in second marriages. It is interesting to note that many of Rabbi Twerski’s ideas are reflected in Bud and Olla’s marriage in Feathers. For example, Rabbi Twerski quotes the Talmud that says, “What is true love? To love a wife as much as he loves himself.” (23) This is exactly the love Bud exercises towards Olla when he fixes her teeth (Carver 171) and fulfills her dream of to own a peacock. (Ibid 174) Similarly, Rabbi Twerski discusses several issues that can arise in second marriages such as financial problems (178), differences in dealing with difficult situations (181), and blending the two families into one entity (185). Carver alludes to some of these issues as well when Bud states that he sends money to Olla’s mother. “Don’t have much ourselves. But she’s Olla’s mother.” (176) This is in step with Rabbi Twerski’s advice: “Absolute honesty about their financial conditions may forestall some problems.” (178)
While it is not always obvious that marriages are suffering, the true indicator of society’s plight is the state of the next generation. Increasingly, parent’s are having problems raising their children, and this stress can not only cause a marriage to deteriorate, as in Feathers, but can also ruin a child. Tillie Olsen addresses this sole issue in I Stand Here Ironing, a story of a mother and her child, and their tortured relationship.
Here, Olsen describes the heartrending story of a child that has been neglected by her working mother who, despite her love, simply was not able to care properly for her daughter. The mother admits to not raising her child properly and there is little understanding between the two now that the daughter is an adult. Yet, despite this, the mother asks, “Why were you concerned? She will find her way.” (164) Notwithstanding the difficulties the daughter had to face growing up mostly on her own, the mother believes her to be fine. “She is a child of her age, of depression, of war, of fear. Let her be. So all that is in her will not bloom–but in how many does it? There is still enough left to live by.” (164) Perhaps the saddest aspect of I Stand Here Ironing is not the suffering experienced by a parent and child, but rather the mother’s despondency and emotional abandonment of her daughter.
Furthering this sentiment, the Rabbis and experts on child rearing have had to address the breakdown in the ability of parents to raise their children. Rabbi Eliya Svay explains in his article Raising a Family, that the family is currently “under siege.” (111) In order for parents to successfully teach and raise their children they must develop and nurture loyalty and trust within them. It is only in this way that the Jewish heritage can be transmitted. However, given that the family nucleus is the foundation of society, as the family corrodes, so too does society, and the direct effect among Torah observant Jews is the inability to transmit the Jewish heritage effectively. Rabbi Svay asserts, “After one generation of a weakened family structure, where in many respects transmission of mesorah (heritage) has ceased to function, the level of society’s morality has tumbled and general decency has sunk beyond foreboding.” (109)
In a similar vein, Dr. David Pelcovitz and Rabbi Shimon Russel address the rising problem of at-risk children in their article The “At-Risk Child”: Early Identification and Intervention. Together they explain that while there is no one factor that causes children to be at risk, early possible indicators include learning disabilities, repeated academic failure, naturally difficult temperaments, and childhood depression. (424-5) Also, sporadic and inconsistent parenting can add to misbehavior of the child. (426) Pelcovitz and Rabbi Russel explain that the “Role of the parent” is “to find the balance between” “setting limits with one hand while providing an atmosphere of love and warmth with the other.” (425)
When viewing Olsen’s story in light of these Jewish principles of parenting, the mother in I Stand Here Ironing seems to be a travesty of a parent. The indicators all point to her daughter being at risk, yet the mother simply does not know what to do. Indeed, the mother herself admits, “…I will become engulfed with all I did or did not do, with what should have been and what cannot be helped.” (160)
For the most part, the secular world is viewed as something foreign, parts of which are morally and ethically corrupt, as evidenced in Rabbi Twerski’s writings. In order for the Jewish community to protect itself from damaging secular influences it curtails a lot of its contact with the outside world. This insulation varies with each religious sect, but usually deals with core issues such as intermarriage, education, television, movies, Internet, and secular literature. So, for example, some religious families do not own televisions, computers, or any secular literature, while others may own a variety of these items. Similarly, families may have personal sensitivities such as not allowing their children to travel by public transportation.
An interesting manifestation of the difference in American culture and the Orthodox Jewish community’s practices can be observed by individuals who are currently becoming religious, known as baalei teshuva. These individuals can have difficulty integrating into mainstream Orthodox Judaism for various reasons. In a personal account by Ross Hirschmann, he describes the tension between himself, a recent baal teshuva, and his secular parents. Mostly, Hirschmann found that he had little to speak about with his parents, a problem which arose mostly because of the differences in their lifestyles. “Still nothing in common. Still nothing to talk about. Long silences passed between us.”
As evidenced by the readings, both secular and religious, it would seem that all of society is suffering more than it is gaining from the current change in relationships. All in all, it is clear that there are many differences between the secular and Orthodox Jewish approach to relationships and family. Some of these differences seem subtle, and others are blatantly clear; however, the continual influence of the Torah and Rabbis always create a dividing line between American and Orthodox Jewish culture.
Works Cited
“Course Packet for Capstone 1.” The Human Condition In The Modern Age.
Carver, Raymond. “Feathers.” 165-176
Jordan, June. “I Am Seeking An Attitude.” 153-7.
Olsen, Tillie. “I Stand Here Ironing.” 160-4.
Twerski, Abraham J. The First Year of Marriage. NY: Shaar Press, 2004.
Hirschmann, Ross. “A Shabbat Miracle.” Aish. 25 Mar. 2007.
Wolpin, Nisson, ed. Timeless Parenting: Raising Children in troubled times – understanding, coping, succeeding. NY: Mesorah, 2000.
Pelcovitz, David, and Shimon Russel. “The ‘At-Risk Child’: Early Identification and Intervention.” Wolpin 422-30.
Svei, Eliya. “Raising A Family.” Wolpin 108-17.
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